Tuesday, May 12, 2015

10 People Found In Every Workplace

by Matthew Clark



No matter where you are employed, were employed, what hours you keep or what profession you hold, you will notice a familiar pattern among co-workers.


Here are 10 people you will find in every workplace in the world:


1. The Sports Guy
This person, usually a man but not limited to, is usually chipper at all times of the day and can be found at the water cooler or the kitchen area. He/she will constantly ask if you if you've seen the "big game" last night regardless if you watch sports or not. He knows every statistic, player and schedule of every team in every city and can single-handily explain down to the last detail why his team won/lost over the weekend. You begin to wonder if he’s even a person or perhaps regurgitated rhetoric of mascots past.





2. The Minimalist
The Minimalist has worked at their job long enough to comfortably and meticulously do the absolute bare minimum of work in order to not get fired. Typically they have been working there longer than anyone and have successfully navigated their way through mediocrity. Forget asking them to stay late, take on a little extra work or go the extra mile. They usually arrive right on time and do not stay a minute past when their scheduled shift ends. This person is comfortable in their old ways and is an expert at skating by unscathed.



3. The Boss's Pet
Their sole goal and purpose is to always be on the good side of the boss.They are always quick to agree with the boss and jump up at their every whim to satisfy them. The Boss's Pet rarely thinks for themselves and ultimately waits for any indication of what the boss wants so that they are sure to heed their whim. They are quick to throw people under the bus and will perform a complete 180 and abandon their own judgment and opinion in order to be in line with what their boss believes.




4. The Complainer
The Complainer hates his/her work and has no problem letting people know all day throughout the week. Phrases such as "Is it Friday, yet?", "That's not part of my job" and "It's only 2:00 PM!?" are common phrases. The Complainer typically is passive-aggressive and has a limited shelf life.

5. The Dreamer
The Dreamer is an employee that is usually OK at their job but is ultimately holding out for their big break somewhere else. Whether it's success and fame as a celebrity, a huge promotion within their own organization or even a large boost somewhere else, the Dreamer is convinced they will make it. Although they've probably worked there for 25+ years and their glory days are behind them, they have no problem letting you know that one day they're going to "make it."




6. The Obsolete
The Obsolete is the worker who's been there since 1981 and their irrelevant marketing strategies and business practices reflect that of the same year. They usually have tenure and are a senior team member in upper management which is how they have managed to survive with such little modern skill. Sometimes they can be classified as a minimalist (see #2). The Obsolete still thinks paper-mailing marketing is on the cutting edge of advertising and if they ever lose their job they would probably never find work again.


7. The Nepotist
The Nepotist is self-explanatory. This employee is only there because their dad or boyfriend's uncle owns the company and they were hired simply because of a relationship as a favor. Usually, but not always, they are unqualified for their job position and are given special treatment. Co-workers can be jealous of this person but never disembark from smiling and kissing their ass.





8. The Bitch
This worker is quite possibly the worst one on this list. They always have a bad attitude and have no problem throwing people under the bus to save their own skin. This is probably because of some unforeseen resentment at home or an outside problem that they carry with them into the workplace. The Bitch is typically younger and acts like they are on their period 24/7. Sometimes they can be a bully so it’s best to treat this one like a cancer and call them out in the beginning. 




9. The Party Animal
This creature of the night is the "life of the party" that always seems to be coming from or going to a party, bar or club. They typically arrive late and almost always hungover; their hoarse voice hinting and the endless chain of cigarettes and vodka shots from the previous night. After 5 PM on Fridays they are ghosts and will never arrive before 10:00 AM on a Monday. They are usually fun and often are the subject of Christmas parties gone awry.


10. The Patient
The patient is constantly sick. You would think they were struck with a third world country virus with no antibodies by the sheer number of times they call out of work. For some reason, they always max out their sick days without going over them. Slim chances on finding this person here more than 60% of the time.



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